Depression
“When I slide into a depression everyone seems to think something is ‘wrong’ however, nothing is wrong – I just feel terrible!” ~ Robbie Williams
I can identify with this statement. For a logic minded person, if you are depressed, agitated, or simply sad – there has to be a reason. For those with a chemical imbalance such as depression or Bipolar Disorder with a depressed episode – there generally is no reason – it just is what it is.
My team often feels that the depths that I travel into depression are often related to the experiences in my life – which I would agree – however, what takes me down that road is clearly chemical because there is no way – I would choose to feel, “terrible”.
I will not speak for everyone – however, I do believe that it would be tremendously difficult for someone without a mental illness to understand exactly what Depression is like. We all know the words, the symptoms and all the verbiage that goes along with Depression – however, I haven’t found a word that can relate to the actual experience.
Mind over matter doesn’t work – yet if you know your illness well enough – a diligent fight can be quite helpful. However, in this fight – it is hard to see what is around you. You tend to be so busy fighting and addressing the demons in your head that all else in your world pales in comparison as to what is going on in your mind. People may see you as just lying around - however... they have no concept of the fight you are experiences and just how physical it really is.
Talking doesn’t seem to help much because how do find the words? Everything you say comes across as self-pity. Even those that love you most and have been educated in mental illness tend to frustrate you with their attempts of helping you. That is really a sad thing because all they want to do is help!
One of the most frustrating factors of Depression is the fact that it happens – it happens while on medication and it happens when everything can be perfectly aligned in your life. NOW that is frustrating! When I am medicated on lithium, which is always these days – Depression is my biggest threat. Mania doesn’t really come in to play that often while on lithium – which I am happy about and that is probably why I like lithium over any other medication.
Those around us might wonder – “why would you get self-destructive when you are depressed” – well, while it is not good coping skills to do so – the mind can only punish someone for so long before the pain is a little more than you can take.
I think one of the most important things to remember while dealing with a depressive episode is to “out last it” and to not hurt yourself or others in the process. Concentrate on the real enemy – the illness. While I have no doubt that 99.9 % of us that are mentally ill and are in an episode will do some self-destructing – one way or the other, it is important to ensure that you are safe at all times. The disease wants nothing more than to isolate you and put its words in the mouths of those you love.
I try to stay away from trying to explain what it is like to those who do not deal with mental illness. I try to reassure everyone that I will be fine – I just need to muddle through this episode. While the episode is not your choice – the way you react to it is… Don’t beat yourself up if you react wrong here or there – just please be safe. DO your best to make a choice of fighting the illness not everyone else and please do not punish yourself – I live in a constant state of terrifying memories – however, when I am healthy, I can tend to those memories with logic and understanding. A domino falls every once awhile and all breaks loose. No one is going to understand that. No one has ever walked in my shoes and I have never walked in theirs. It is important that WE respect that just as we expect others to respect our journey. I never see these things as excuses – it just is what it is. If I could honestly clean out my brain from things that no person should ever experience – don’t you think I would? I get absolutely NO joy in these thoughts, memories and flash backs. I can’t even fathom that they there are a part of my story and my history. I am not sure how I will ever reconcile that or if I can. I don’t need any excuses – I have a glorious life! I guess I thought that maybe it would all dissipate once I lived responsibly and compliant to my illness – but it hasn’t yet.
We all have things that can trigger that fight in us. My trigger is when I see my illness affect others. My illness can beat me up all it wants – but the day or even second, I see it hurt anyone that I love …. Well. It will be a cold, very cold day in hell before my illness affects those I love – EVER again!
As you can see – I get very strong worded about my illness hurting anyone but me. That is my trigger and that anger is used against my illness – not my loved ones. I urge you to find your trigger – something beyond YOU and beyond your illness.
This morning was a new experience for me – at least a renewed experience that I have not had in many years. I woke up refreshed and not paranoid. I have not had to “deprogram myself” from the evening sleep.
When I first opened my eyes, I remembered good dreams. I was enjoying life and having fun with friends and family. For me, this is a very odd experience to have, but one I celebrate.
Of course – I have now spent the morning analyzing – “how do I repeat it!” I like it! What have I been doing that would allow the burdens of the past and demons to stop their haunt?
This all leads to what I want to write about today. One column would never cover it all and one person’s experience is not always going to be the others – but I hope it will help in one way or another.
Recovery
What is it? I have had people actually tell me – “I don’t like the idea of recovery because that insinuates there is some defect that I have.” I know that I have felt that way as well. What I think is important to understand is, that I believe everyone is in one form of “recovery” or another. Some call it their journey or their process. I have never met an adult that has not experienced a tragedy or tribulation in their life that has not sent them on a search for better understanding of life or themselves. We all display that or act upon it differently – but a search is a search and that search is a search for recovery.
I thought I would highlight some of the pieces of recovery that I have found helpful and successful. Remember recovery is ongoing and not always consistent. I am even going to write this column in first person rather than “through the eyes of Harrison”.
There are many components to recovery. There are the staples that I feel everyone must have when dealing with mental illness. Medication, Therapy, Case Management and Psychiatrist. There is no particular order, because I believe them all equally important and necessary.
Then there is the rest and I think this varies for people and should. I have spent years looking at people that I admire and respect along with people that have judged me and said to myself – “Okay – be more like them, this is what is expected and they haven’t had my issues so obviously they are all right!” Don’t ever try this at home! J Not only is it a pure waste of time – it is damaging. You can easily lose your identity and that begins a whole different kind of “search” in life.
Altruism – while an incredible virtue to hold, can also become a negative coping skill. Losing yourself in other people’s issues and not dealing with your own happiness and stability is not healthy. Defining your identity through a cause is not healthy. Your example and willingness to reach out will be far more helpful to those you want to help than diving into their world and immersing yourself into their issues. Only by standing back and having an objective point of view can you give logical a reasonable advice. I struggle with this one daily!
Faith & Spirituality - For me this is essential. It is not something I would ever force upon anyone. I know from experience that in the mental health community of people living with mental illness – when you feel as though you are plagued with demons – well, religion can be a very dangerous area for someone in crisis to approach. If a mentally ill person (and I have seen this) becomes consumed by the bible or any other dogma – reads it literally and lives it literally – well – read the bible and imagine if some things manifested themselves as a reality today with someone that is currently psychotic. Faith and spirituality is the true and ultimate search and journey – we are ALL in recovery when it comes to God, if only society as a whole or even just the ones that claim their belief in God – had his unconditional love – my, wouldn’t it be a different world?
Hobbies – Believe it or not – just because you have a mental illness, you are allowed to have your own identity and interests. Mine are writing and once in a great while painting (I am not an artist – but I find it therapeutic and then get a good laugh looking at what I painted). I love reading – but I try to be careful to not always read books that pertain to ‘self-help’. Read about other’s lives and how they overcame obstacles – you will find that you can be more objective about your own mistakes when you see that even some of the most admired people in the world – have their own share of mistakes.
Exercise – Physical Fitness is undeniably important. I don’t like it, I am not consistent with it – but that does not mean that it is not very important.
Forgiveness – This is probably one of the most important tools that you will ever find in releasing yourself from the past. I struggle with this one greatly. I find it amazing what I am able to forgive and I find it amazing what I am not able to forgive. Faith plays a big part in this process, because our human condition defines some things as unforgivable. I am light footed on this subject because, well – I am not good at it. Even though I know the importance of it – I am not good at it. I do make an effort daily, however to release bitterness from my life. It does absolutely NO good for your life – it festers in your soul and your psyche and becomes like a cancer that simply starts to feed on every element of your life. Everyone needs to find their own path of how to forgive. “Let go and Let God” is one for me – but I try about anything that crosses my path! I also know that I will get there one day.
Education – KNOW your illness and KNOW yourself. Know them both VERY well! The more you understand about yourself and how your illness works with you – the more power you will have! THIS I promise you!
Communication - Some don’t have the luxury – actually far too many, don’t have the luxury of having people they can communicate with. Communication goes beyond just friends and family though. You need to and must relay to your therapist and doctor how you are feeling and what you feel your needs are. How else are they supposed to know what to do? I see it all the time – where people are intimidated by their psychiatrist! WHY? He or She is working FOR you! If you cannot communicate with your team of mental health professionals – you need to begin the search for new ones. These people are key to you living and productive a stable life. I do understand that when finances limit your services it is difficult to change providers – however, there are always options and you must find them. Treat your recovery as a business and you are the CEO!
I am certain that I have forgotten many things that I may use daily as a source of recovery. The one thing that is so important is – until the day you say to yourself, “I am not going to live my life this way – I want better for myself” – recovery will not begin. Is it a huge responsibility? Yes – Is it fair that you have to go through it? No (but you have a choice – how’s not living in recovery working for ya?) I know with myself – that I am determined to celebrate my life and live on a level of peace and joy. That might not happen until the day before I die – but I am not going to stop until I feel it! This morning I got a sense of it… I didn’t have to deprogram. I didn’t have to spend an hour or two of my morning changing my thought process. I liked the taste of it… and I want more! I understand the struggle – I understand the reality – I have lived it. I have been beaten down by more people that I can possibly count. I don’t want to put a successful life in their face; I want to show them that they were simply wrong about what a mentally ill person is!
YOU – Guess what, you deserve a life. You deserve to be an individual that has an opinion and a voice. You don’t have to use it for advocacy (that is one of my choices) – use it in song, lyrics, poetry, you name it. Respect yourself. Chances are many with mental illness (like me) have been disrespected so many times that you have actually “bought the thought”. Sell it back to them for free – and give yourself the respect you deserve! Many couldn’t live a day in your shoes – the very fact that you are still alive shows the strength that you have. Imagine what you can do with that strength if you translate it from surviving – to THRIVING!
How Do YOU Rate the Morning Sun?
Choice
Lately I have heard much talk about the word “Choice” and how that word applies to those with mental illness. I thought I would do my best to give my point of view on this controversial subject.
We often hear people say, “Attitude is half the battle” and “You chose your destiny and how your life will turn out” and so on. We hear quotes such as, “Happiness is a choice and success is a choice”. One quote makes it quite clear: “I discovered that I always have a choice, even if that choice is a good attitude.”
Hmmm. I do believe in choices, I believe that I have a choice to take my medication or not – I have a choice to live my life conducive to the limits of my illness, or not. However, I didn’t have the choice when it came to having Bipolar Disorder. Prior to diagnosis, I didn’t have much choice in anything because I was driven by something I didn’t even know was driving me. After being diagnosed, I didn’t have choice as to whether I would be raped in a prison or not. I didn’t have a choice as to whether I had a good attitude about it either.
I don’t believe friends that I have lost to suicide had a choice. I knew one well enough to know that he simply would not make that choice – his illness made the choice. I know a mother of a son that lost list life to his illness and know with everything that I am – there was no choice involved.
Now, I don’t get too upset about this issue of choice, normally. However, when I hear cynical remarks about “those” people, referring to the mentally ill – I take exception to the word and do get upset.
It is and has been the perception of so many in society, in families, in friends and in the criminal justice system that everyone has “Choice” on their side. When that perception is focused on me – I get a very sick feeling in my stomach because that means whoever is directing that perception on me feels as though I am a pathetic and weak person – who simply made the wrong “Choices” in my life. I would like to meet the person that thinks that me and people like me that have lived similar lives could spend one day in my past and call me or my fellow mentally ill people, “Weak”.
I have a problem with that. Yes, I have made some extremely wrong choices and some have certainly been my fault and certainly been self-serving and ignorant. However, anyone that truly knows me, knows that when balanced – chemically and on top of the symptoms of my illness – bad choices don’t come my way very often. Why? – Because I then have choice.
Every morning of my life I wake up and spend the first hour or two simply deprograming – that is my choice to do just that – but some days – I can’t deprogram and the fact that I have to deprogram at all is certainly not my choice. I have never had a terminal physical illness – but I would imagine that there are days that one just doesn’t have the choice to find the energy to “get up and get going”.
Mental illness is a disease of the brain: The very organ that controls “choice”, perception and logic and reason. It stands to reason that there are times that “Choice” is not an option.
I want to address the most serious of all this. Suicide. There is environmental reasons that some take their own life – then there is death by disease, as it is with mental illness. It is not natural to attempt or to take your own life. Anyone that has ever been in the position of feeling as though they were being forced by their own mind to take their own life knows exactly how terrifying that really is. There is not a person in this world that would ever convince me that that is “Choice”.
I feel that this is an important issue all the way around. Because if you feel that the mentally ill make a choice to do wrong or not conduct their lives in a manner you find acceptable and don’t stop to ask, “Now is this choice or symptomatic?” There is an issue that feeds stigma.
I have heard this word “Choice” thrown around for years. Seeing a homeless man on the streets I once heard a friend say, “Don’t give him anything – it his choice to live that way” I remember thinking to myself – “Who would make that choice?” Then I got my answer years later when a guy downtown Cleveland spat on me and I didn’t even say anything to him – but I was homeless and I guess he assumed I made that choice. If it was a choice I made, it certainly wasn’t made with a logical and reasoned mind– given the fact that I had just lived in one of the prime locations in the city.
Now I don’t put a blanket over all with mental illness and say they don’t have choice – they do – in many things. I worked with inmate after inmate that deliberately made wrong choices simply because they were conditioned that way. Survival is the name of the game.
Tuesday I was in a meeting at the Supreme Court and we were discussing reentry. When a mentally ill inmate is released, they have two weeks’ worth of medication. I have yet to meet anyone that can get an appointment with a psychiatrist within two weeks’ notice. I also don’t know many that come out of prison with financial means. Generational poverty is like a plague on many inmates – survival is a lifestyle that most of us know nothing about. When the two weeks are up and the ex-offender has taken all his medication and can’t get an appointment for three months… gets symptomatic – where was his choice?
Which brings to another point – Society has a choice – we can change the way this works – this system and the response to the problems we know exist.
This isn’t a blame game – it is a reality. The general perception of society with regards to mental illness is getting better – however, I see all around me that we have so much further to go and with that – we do have a choice!
This column will most likely be my last until August. My family and I are celebrating our second year reunited and as we do every year, we spend the month of July together. This is always the highlight of my year. It gives me time to rejuvenate and regenerate my energy so that I can share as much as I can with others in an effort to use my experiences in life to help others.